In loving memory of Adam Stanheight

I took my two daughters on a daytrip to Astoria Park today. When I looked across the East River, I remembered the time we almost got caught tagging those concrete bridge pillars on Randall's Island, next to the little clovers of baseball diamonds. You wanted to take pictures of the street art, I wanted to tape up one of my butcher paper stencils. We took four trains just to get there and, by the time we did, the sun was already starting to slip away. You couldn't take any decent pictures, so I gave you half my cans and you just started spraying, getting paint on your fingertips, a little in your hair, and this funny smudge of blue on the end of your nose. You were freehanding some cats, you said they were "Keith Haring style". We didn't even notice the park guard walking around until he started shouting at us, and we picked up and ran as fast as we could. We both had such shitty smoker's lungs already. I was just out of high school and you'd only just dropped out. And today, even though I haven't smoked in years, that sting in my chest came back like we'd just sprinted, laughing, across the park green. It feels like we knew each other in another life, Adam. I wish you could've met my girls. I wish we could've driven over the East River and shown them the spot. I wish I'd kept in touch. Most of all, I wish you were still with us. Still thinking of you, a couple decades later. I hope you're in a better place.

another new year makes 20 since you've been gone. the party would've been better if you were there. you would've had gray hair and smile lines, like me, and we would've teased each other for it. we miss you adam.

it's been 20 years and still miss you, man. life aint as good without you

I feel so strange typing this now. I know that this message will never reach you. But it's all been eating away at me inside for so long, I just need to get it out of my head. I'm so sorry, Adam. I wish I had done more for you. I wish I had kept the promises I made. I swear, I tried, I really did, but... I should have tried harder. If I could go back I would move heaven and earth to make things right. But I know I can't do that now. So I just sit here, full of guilt, full of regret, full of heartache, typing out this comment as if it'll change anything. I don't know why I think it will. I'm just so sorry. I should have done more for you. You deserved better. I should have been better. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, that I don't regret everything I've done. I miss you. I know we spent such little time together, but I miss you so much. I wish I could see you again. I wish I could turn back the clock, start over and do it again. I wish it had been me instead.

I don't think I'll never forgive myself.

Sometimes I wonder if you still blame me, and thats the thought that I can't bear to think about. The though that keeps me up at night. I never knew how much a thought could hurt until now. As many times as I wish I could say that I'm sorry, it's too late now. I'm sure you still blame me. I wish you could know that I blame myself too, and maybe then I would be able to sleep better.

Adam,
I think of you often. I think of how you showed me grace in the lowest moments of my life, even though you knew of the wrong that I had done. I wish I could say that I had become a better man because of you, but you still remain the better of the two of us. I just hope now that you would show me the same grace. Sometimes I feel like it would save me. I think I would feel at peace if I could just talk to you again, and keep my promise to you… You should have come home. It wasn't fair. And I'm sorry.
Yours.

I'm sorry.

Miss you so much bud I hate knowing your gone and that I can't show you funny things like I use to life is not the same without you here it makes me wanna cry everytime I cant talk to you

Thought of you again today. The world was always brighter when you were there smiling with us, always taking photos, capturing memories. Miss you so much, may you rest in peace.

Today isn't any particular anniversary but I find myself missing you every day. Your mother talked about how she was expecting a call from you, but it never came. I wish I knew the reason so I could tell her. We miss you, Adam. I didn't see the belief in your eyes when people told you that. I hope you can believe it now, wherever you are.

I find myself thinking about you sometimes, Adam. I think about how we should've seen you struggling without support. I think about how we should've been there for you more. I'm sorry. I miss you every day.

We only ever talked once a month, when Wrath of the Gods was booked to play at Willie's, but you'd sit at the bar and I'd give you soft drinks for free. I told you to keep in touch the lat time we talked, but it's a shame you never got the chance to. You were a good kid, Adam. You are remembered, I promise. Even by a burnout bartender like me.

I wish I'd said yes, that I'd gone to that concert with you. I was just too wrapped up in my own mess to really see you. By the time I did see you, it was too late. For what it's worth, I'm sorry, Adam. If things had been different... Maybe in another life, we got to be friends.

I hope you're alive, I hope you're somewhere. I think of you every day. Come back to me, I'll be waiting.

i miss you more than you can imagine. i never got to tell you how i felt about you, and i regret that every day. i never thought someone like you, so creative and effortlessly cool, with your beautiful green eyes, could love someone like me. i treasure every memory of our friends passing out on some random person's couch, or us laughing until we cried after you just told the stupidest joke on the planet. i have a husband now, and 3 cats, just like we always talked about. we're really happy. but every clear october night, i think about you pointing out the big dipper to me, and wonder what it would've been like if things were different. love you forever.

Rest in peace, Adam. We didn't know each other for too long, but I should've done more. You were more than a victim of circumstance; you were a young man with a life full of potential. Forgive me for the help that never came, for the promises unkept in the face of your fate. I should've done so much more.

Rest in peace, buddy. We would have gotten along just fine, you and me. You seemed like a nice guy

Merry Christmas, Adam. It's been so long since we lost you. We keep looking at the pictures you took of us, but you're never in any of them. You always put others first in your pictures, and it never crossed my mind that we should have included you, too. It was already too late by the time we noticed. We miss you so much. Thank you for everything.

never give up hope, one way or another, i hope he comes home someday, and his loved ones can get some closure. rest in peace

Your mom stopped putting up those posters around town. I don't blame her, but it was still a surprise. You were her only son, and I know she couldn't have been more proud of you. The neighbours still ask about you; how college is going, if you have any exhibitions coming up like you used to, that girlfriend you had. I tell them you're out of town, hopped a train, got a decent job. I stopped hoping that you were out there years ago. Rest in peace, Adam. So full of love and potential.

Rest in peace, Adam. We didn't know each other for too long, but I should've done more. You were more than a victim of circumstance; you were a young man with a life full of potential. Forgive me for the help that never came, for the promises unkept in the face of your fate. I should've done so much more.